Small Pleasures

It has been a very difficult time with lots of feelings of anger and bitterness as well as loss.  Each time I cry I think that I cannot possibly have any more tears left inside of me, but then I cry some more.  I still cannot accept that my sister is no longer at the end of a phone, ready to laugh or cry with me and share stories of our family life.  I still find it totally unbelievable and this feeling is compounded by the fact that there was no funeral to go to.  Typical of Katy - a devout vegetarian for 25 years - she donated her body for medical science research, so to do some good and help others even after her death.  She and her husband were not religious and Katy did not want a service.  I totally respect her decision and admire her immensely for it.  However, the ritual of burying the dead is to help those left to begin the grieving process and to gain 'closure' in some way. It marks the end of the person's life and helps the loved ones gain acceptance and start to move on.  Not having that ritual makes everything seem so unreal still, like a bad dream from which I will eventually awaken.

But during all this grief, I am struck by all the good things I have in my life and several times during the past couple of weeks, I have felt overwhelmed by the kindness of people.  My work friends have been totally supportive and understanding and patient and I feel very lucky to work with such lovely people - thank you.  My friends - particularly the Karens - have not let me withdraw and are making me go out and do things regularly and they do not mind when I cry all of a sudden.  My daughter, who is busy with her new job, takes the time to text me to ask how I am doing.  My wonderful son makes me cups of tea and always asks how I am feeling and always knows when I have been crying and gives me a hug.  My gorgeous boyfriend is so kind and loving and supportive, even when I get snappy and bad tempered.  I know I am lucky to have lots of fantastic people in my life.

And it has not all been tears.  I have managed to take pleasure in simple things.  Going out for Saturday brunch with my boyfriend and enjoying that first coffee of the day.  Sitting outside a pub on the harbour with a cold glass of cider, people watching and enjoying some rare sunshine.  Cooking pasta at home listening to music and dancing in the living room with my boyfriend.  Sitting on the sofa with my son watching a rubbish TV movie and laughing together.  Sitting outside a cafe right on the beach and watching the waves gently break, catching the light from the sun, a mug of tea resting on my lap, hearing children laughing and playing on the sand.  These are simple pleasures but ones I am learning to appreciate now more than ever before.

And all the time my sister Katy is there in the back of my mind and I wish, oh how I wish, that I could pick up the phone and tell her about these simple pleasures.