Truth in Writing

Trying to explain to someone how you feel can sometimes be so hard.  You know how you feel in your heart, but it is so difficult translating those feelings into coherent words without perhaps sounding whining and unreasonable.  It is even harder to do when you are someone who is normally laid back and easy going.  Someone who prefers the easy life and likes to avoid confrontation.  Who fears change and detests upsetting those who you love.

Some things are so much harder to do now I no longer have my voice of reason, aka my sister.  She always helped me to see situations from a different angle.  She always understood where I was coming from, was always on my side and was always supportive and loving.  Not having that person with whom I had such a strong bond and connection makes big decisions and moments so much harder now.  I find it difficult to talk to others about my most important feelings.  Maybe because I abhor the idea of appearing weak or anything less than positive and decisive?

What I can say is be true to yourself and stand by your beliefs.  Make sure you know these feelings are true before communicating them as once said cannot be retracted.  Know what is in your heart.  Trust in your judgement and do not be swayed.  Do not be influenced by false endearments.

Putting things in writing assists me now in gaining the objectivity that is often now so elusive.  Writing is my therapy, my balm and my surrogate sister.

One Year On

A few weeks ago my daughter Ella and I along with some good friends, took part in the annual Weldmar Hospice midnight walk.  Ella and I did so in Katy's memory.  Katy lived most of her life in Weymouth and had she spent her last years here, would undoubtedly have needed to use this local hospice.  The night was truly wonderful with nearly 1000 women marching along the prom wearing flashing bunny ears.  I know Katy would have highly approved!  This charity event raised over 100k for the hospice - an amazing achievement.  The 6.5 mile walk took just over two hours to complete.  I felt incredibly close to Katy during this walk and was strangely emotional when I crossed the finish line and was presented with my medal.

One year ago today I lost my best friend - my sister Katy.  I cannot believe it has been a year as it still feels so raw to me.  I don't feel I have touched the surface of my grief.  I still cannot mention her name without painful tears falling.  The pain is still excruciating so it does not feel like a year to me.  However, I feel like I can't show this pain in public.  Most people have forgotten about my loss and that is understandable as it is my loss and not theirs.  So when my eyes suddenly fill with tears I have to pretend I have a head cold or a problem with my lenses.  When I feel overwhelmed with grief I have to find a quiet solitude in which to hide my sorrow. 

I have been dreaming about Katy alot recently.  Random dreams of normalcy.  Of every day activities like bein gin a car together or going for a walk with our children.  These are wonderful dreams that feel so real and cause me to waken in a confused state not knowing which reality I exist in.  For a few blissful sleepy seconds Katy is still in my life.  I can understand why some people choose to live in such a half life because sometimes the reality is just too hard to bear.

I have booked the next week off work as I knew I would need to be away from the medical environment.  I have made sure I have lots planned - new oven being delivered today, trip to Southampton tomorrow, friends over for dinner Saturday then up the Nothe to try to catch the apparent meteor shower, camping with friends next week and a lady's day out in Bournemouth for shopping and lunch.

Keeping busy is the only way I know how to get through this time and to help keep the sad thoughts from my head.  I will smile and laugh and maintain the facade as usual.  I have been used to doing that for many months now, but this week will be harder than normal. 

I know that one day the pain will ease and I hope that day comes soon, as it still feels like my heart is breaking.

Katy I miss you every minute of every hour of every day.  You were taken so young, but I know that I will see you again one day.  Sisters forever.

Another Birthday...

So a couple of days ago I turned another year older.  I'm not a big fan of birthdays (my own!), but this one was particularly hard as it was the first one I have ever had without my sister.  Katy would always phone me and sing Happy Birthday  in a very tuneless and cheerful manner and she would always send me the best presents.  When we were young teenagers we both absolutely loved a series of French historical romance novels.  They were published in the 50's and we had owned some very battered copies when we were young, which unfortunately got lost amidst countless house moves.  One year, my sister spent a lot of time and effort tracing and tracking down these books.  They have been out of publication years and years ago, but Katy managed to find each novel - one by one from individual sources and for different prices and she boxed them up and sent them to me for my birthday.  That is the most thoughtful gift I have ever received and I will treasure those books the rest of my life.  It was the sheer effort that Katy put in to getting those books for me - the love she put into the idea and the joy it gave her every time she managed to get hold of another book for me.

Not having someone who puts that much thought into me any more is hard - very hard.  But, as I often say on here, life does go on and good things do happen.  My clever daughter passed her driving test first time last week, much to her delight and excitement and much to my pride in her accomplishment.  The same day Ella took her driving test, I went for a job interview and I was successful in getting it.  It will be a much better job with a lot more responsibility (and money) and I am ready for the challenge.  Scared but ready.  A lot of candidates were interviewed for the position and I was the one they picked so I do admit to feeling proud of myself and I know that Katy would be enormously proud of me.

The other positive at the moment is that I joined Slimming World 4 weeks ago and have already lost just over a stone in weight, which I am also very proud of and I know Katy would be very proud of me for that too.

Every accomplishment in my life is another step forward and another step closer to being happy again.  I am embracing the possibilities life is showing me and with every step I feel Katy is here cheering me on. 

The Power of Horses

Last night I watched a documentary on TV about an incredible woman in USA who had her face and hands ripped off in a horrific attack by a pet chimpanzee.  The programme followed this lady's amazing progress as she battled for survival then as she recovered and overcame her atrocious injuries, with a face transplant.  Years previous to the attack she was a rodeo rider.  She loved horses.  After her face transplant she said that she sometimes dreams she is riding horses and she exerted her conviction that she would one day ride again.

My sister was a very keen rider.  She was as a young teenager.  Every birthday, all she wanted as her birthday treat, was to go pony trekking.  She dreamed of one day having a horse of her own.  Less than a year before she died her dreams came true.  Katy had been competing at horse shows for the last few years - very successfully so - winning trophies and ribbons.  She initially leased her horse, Charlie and right from the start they were a match made in heaven.  Charlie was a naughty boy for most other riders, but he and Katy formed a special bond right away.  They both learned under their trainer, Matthew, both developing and honing their skills.

During Katy's treatment for her brain tumour, she visited the barn where she kept Charlie as often as she could.  Just to see Charlie and the other horses and visit with her friends at the barn.  After her surgery in October 2011 when I flew out to help look after her, I drove her to the barn so she could see Charlie.  The barn hands had Charlie all ready so Katy could groom him, give him his favourite treat of mints and just love him and pet him.  She was so overjoyed to see him and he looked overjoyed to see her.  He was a massive horse - as tall as I am i had to stretch my arm fully to brush his back.  But he stood there as gentle as a lamb for Katy, as if he knew that he had to be careful not to bump her head.

It all got too overwhelming for Katy and she laid her head on her arms, resting on Charlie's beautiful belly and just broke her heart.  She was so upset not to be able to ride her beautiful boy.  But it made her all the more determined that she would do so again.

So she fought like fuck.  She endured over 20 sessions of radiotherapy and received a standing ovation from the other patients on leaving the clinic after her last session.  And as soon as the Surgeon gave her the thumbs up, she was back on Charlie.  She told me once that the only time she forgot that she was ill was when she was riding.  Charlie was her therapy that worked.  That helped her to forget what she was going through and gave her sheer bliss and happiness. 

Katy did manage to compete again after her treatment.  She worked so hard with her occupational therapy to regain enough strength in her hands to enable her to ride again. 

A tree was planted at the barn where Katy spent so many happy hours, in her memory.  A tribute to her strength and determination.

My sister was an amazing inspiration to me.  She reinforced to me that life is so precious and that when we are strong, despite life's adversities, we can accomplish so much.

I like to think that Katy is somewhere now on a horse, galloping across a green field, filled with joy and peace.