It has been a week since I last posted on my blog. Just a few hours after my last post, I received the phone call that I had been expecting in my heart of hearts, but even so I still didn't actually believe would happen. My beautiful, courageous sister had died at 10 pm UK time, 2pm Arizona time. She was in her own bed in her own home, our mum sitting with her. Just typing these words feels like stabbing myself in my chest.
I am incredibly lucky to have some fantastic loved ones in my life. Red Karen (for her hair colour, not her political views) immediately left her work where she does night shift and came straight over. My wonderful gorgeous boyfriend, Tony, works away in Reading during the week, but drove straight home to be with me. My amazing son stayed up and made me cups of tea (the English cure-all). We sat up talking til the early hours of the morning. Looking at photos of Katy. Recalling memories, laughing and crying.
The following 3 days I functioned pretty well. Lots of tears, but also managed to get up and go out and receive visits from friends. Unfortunately the 4th day I woke up and there was absolutely no way I was going to get up that day. I stayed in bed all day, unable to eat or talk. People talk about being in a 'dark' place and now I know what they mean. Now though, I just feel numb. I haven't reached acceptance yet and the chest pains haven't alleviated, but I feel very distanced from the everything. It is a very strange feeling that is hard to describe. The best way to describe it is NUMB.
It may be a bit of self preservation going on, shielding me from the pain for a few days, giving myself a rest from it. And no, before you ask, I haven't taken anything strange!
So ok, I will go along with the numbness, because, for now, it is preferable to the pain. I can function like this.
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