Friday 19 October 2012

Getting in the Zone

My HBA1c has been completely up the wall recently (hardly surprising, stress induced).  I haven't exactly be taking great care of myself or taking much notice at all to be honest.  But I know Katy would be very cross with me so I have decided to get back on track health wise again.  I really do not want to have my medication increased or to go onto insulin, which is what the GP has said, so I have decided to try and lower my HBA1c myself through diet and exercise.  I also thought that losing a few pounds before the silly season starts would be a good plan too!

I used to do alot of swimming as a young teenager and have had phases through the years of swimming regularly so I thought I would try it again.  I have been going twice a week for the past 3 weeks and love it.  I had forgotten how enjoyable it is.  Gets every part of you exercised, which is obviously great.  But a side effect is also that it is also very therapeutic.  I swim up and down and after the first few lengths start to feel very relaxed.  I zone out and my mind starts wandering. 

I think about all sorts of things as I plough through the water - from my shopping lists to work issues to family.  I have been back at work again the past two weeks and am really enjoying being back.  When I went back previously I had forced myself to go, feeling that I ought to.  But I wasn't ready and in hindsight it was far too early.  But this time, I felt ready to go back and it feels good to be using my brain again and being with my great work colleagues. 

It has also been a bit of a strange couple of weeks as an estranged family member has been in contact.  It has made me think alot about how strange people can be and about what makes them tick.  I was unsure how to handle the situation and desperately wanted to ask my sister for her opinion.  It struck me all over again that she is no longer there to help and advise and now I have to think 'what would Katy do', instead of picking up the phone and asking her.  I don't cry every single day now, but that day I did cry all evening.  It is now different circumstances where it hits me all over again and I feel the pain of losing her all over again. 

I do quite often feel adrift these days, but when I am swimming it helps me to focus my mind and make decisions in a much calmer way.  I finish my sessions feeling much more serene and able to cope with what the day throws my way.

Whatever you do that helps get you into the zone, stick with it, as I intend to do.  Exercise is great for mind, body and soul.  Plus, when you have done some exercise you then feel justified in having a whacking great glass of wine!

Happy Friday everyone xx

Friday 5 October 2012

What do You Believe?

I am not a religious person.  I believe in equality for all and a world free of racism and other forms of bigotry and prejudice.  I believe in being kind and being tolerant. 

So, if I do not believe in 'God' and 'Heaven' etc, then what am I supposed to believe when it comes to what happens when we die? Those people who are lucky enough to have a faith presumably believe that our spirits go on to a 'better place'.  What is this place exactly?  What do these people imagine this place to be like? Is it billowy white clouds drifting about a clear blue sky with hosts of Angels playing harps? Is it a fresh green valley filled with our loved ones who have died before us and with whom we will be reunited?

I know quite a few people who believe our spirits linger and that the dead never really leave us.  In the past, I would have scoffed at this (not obviously to those peoples' faces).  But recently, I have started to think that maybe there is something in this.  I have had a few experiences that have led me to believe that my sister is not entirely gone. 

Of course, I know that she is dead and that she will not be returning and that I will never see her again.  I am only just starting to accept this and and am desperately trying to move on and start living a full life again.  Katy would not want me to spend my days crying.  She would want me to get on with my life and enjoy it and make the most of it.  And so I shall. 

Katy could sometimes have a rather naughty sense of humour (I can recall numerous occasions where we laughed so hard that snot came out my nose and a little bit of wee escaped! I blame my children for my weak pelvic floor!).  She also enjoyed an occasional dark bit of humour with me and I can't help thinking that she would find it highly amusing to play little tricks on me now.  Just to let me know that she is still 'around' in some way.  A few things have happened to make me think this.  I sometimes feel her here so strongly that I almost glimpse her out of the corner of my eye. 

I hope that wherever she is that it is somewhere that is beautiful and fun and happy.  But, Katy, if you are here then please tap three times....xx