I carried out the much needed chore of emptying out all my clothes drawers, packing away my summer clothes and reinstating my winter wardrobe. Bit depressing in some ways but also quite nice to get out clothes I haven't worn for a few months - feels like a shopping spree! I took the opportunity to bag up clothes for charity shop that I haven't worn for a while and not likely to again. Also to throw away some tatty clothes that really shouldn't be worn again. It was an emotional process in some ways, as a lot of my clothes are ones that I bought when with my sister, or ones that she bought me as presents over the years. And even though some of them were quite old and bedraggled, I could not bring myself to throw them away.
I met up with my mum Saturday, for the first time since she got back from USA. I was almost dreading seeing her in some ways as I knew it would be hard for both of us. But she met me with literal open arms and we had a big hug. We talked about general things until she produced a bag and I knew this was going to be hard. She had very kindly managed to bring back for me Katy's little guardian angel brooch, which she loved and wore all the time. Also a blue rosette from one of Katy's horse shows that she had won. Two very simple items but so personal and such strong memories of Katy. I haven't been able to take them out of the bag yet.
I keep having very vivid dreams of my sister. Not bad ones - but they make me cry upon wakening when I realise that they were just dreams. A couple of days ago I dreamt that I had woken up and Katy was sat on my sofa. I gave her a massive hug. Katy never actually made it over to see my little flat, but my dream was so real that I broke my heart when I woke up for real and realised she wasn't really there.
My GP has strongly recommended I contact Cruise Bereavement Services, which I will do. I think I will anyway! I am just not very good at talking to strangers - I find it hard enough to open up to my closest friends. But I think I need to give it a try as I am really struggling right now.
i have packed away all my summer clothes, but unfortunately I can't pack away the emotions of this summer. The grief and loss. But I do need to start to try to put a little of it away. New life and new experiences continue. The Summer wanes, but my memories of Katy haven't and never will.
Tuesday 25 September 2012
Sunday 16 September 2012
On Chat
I just logged into facebook and my sister appeared on chat. The first time that happened it kinda freaked me out, but now I find it strangely comforting to see her there. I even sent her a little message just to say hi.
I am back at work and finding it tough. Working in a medical environment there is no escape from sad things and I have too many reminders during the day, which then render me useless for a while as I have a cry at my desk. But my work friends are brilliant - very understanding and kind - and always on hand to give me a little hug when needed. However, I am managing to get up every morning and just go into autopilot with the typical morning routine and head off to work.
Sleep has been an issue the past few weeks - i.e. not enough of it. I am struggling to get off to sleep before midnight then am besieged by the most awful nightmares; therefore any sleep I do get is not of the restful kind and I awaken feeling exhausted both physically and mentally. But the worst was this morning. I had drifted back off to sleep (lovely Sunday lie in) and then proceeded to dream that Katy was actually still alive. In hospital - but alive. When I woke up and realised it was a dream, I was devastated. It was like losing her all over again.
So, when I saw her on facebook just now, it was nice. I know it's not real. I'm not cracking up. I realise it is just a technical glitch thingy. But it does, if only for a split second, make me imagine that she is still here somehow and waiting to chat.
I am back at work and finding it tough. Working in a medical environment there is no escape from sad things and I have too many reminders during the day, which then render me useless for a while as I have a cry at my desk. But my work friends are brilliant - very understanding and kind - and always on hand to give me a little hug when needed. However, I am managing to get up every morning and just go into autopilot with the typical morning routine and head off to work.
Sleep has been an issue the past few weeks - i.e. not enough of it. I am struggling to get off to sleep before midnight then am besieged by the most awful nightmares; therefore any sleep I do get is not of the restful kind and I awaken feeling exhausted both physically and mentally. But the worst was this morning. I had drifted back off to sleep (lovely Sunday lie in) and then proceeded to dream that Katy was actually still alive. In hospital - but alive. When I woke up and realised it was a dream, I was devastated. It was like losing her all over again.
So, when I saw her on facebook just now, it was nice. I know it's not real. I'm not cracking up. I realise it is just a technical glitch thingy. But it does, if only for a split second, make me imagine that she is still here somehow and waiting to chat.
Monday 10 September 2012
Bubbly Reasons..
The other weekend, we went to Dorset County Show and purchased some gorgeous, hand made in Jerusalem, champagne flutes. A couple of years previously I had bought some wine glasses from the same man and felt like treating myself again. (Next time you go to the show check him out as his glasses really are beautiful and unique!).
Last Friday, Tony stopped at Tesco on his way home from work to buy a couple of bottles of champagne purely because he felt we should give our new glasses a test run. I felt this to be a little extravagant but as I knew he had done this in an effort to cheer me up, I felt it would be churlish to object. So, we sat at our little kitchen table eating our simple pasta carbonara accompanied by some rather nice bubbly. And as we did so, I realised that treats like that should not be just for special occasions. We should make the time to fit little treats into our lives as often as possible.
So, I have compiled a list of reasons to have bubbly. It's not exclusive and feel free to tell me of any others:
1. Because you have bought new glasses
2. Because it's Friday
3. Because you are spending time with your boyfriend for the first time all week
4. Because you need cheering up
5. Because you are happy
6. Because you are with your favourite girls for a little get together
7. Because you have run out of gin
8. Because you like the way the bubbles feel in your mouth
9. Because you have put the music on and are singing along and need to quench your thirst
10. Because you are worth it!
So, give yourself a treat. It doesn't have to be expensive champagne. Try Prossecco. Or, anything else you fancy. Treat yourself because you deserve it. Don't wait for birthdays. Light your candles because they look lovely. Wear your expensive perfume just to do the shopping. Put on lipgloss to take the bins out. Don that favourite necklace just for coffee with friends. Don't save things just for 'best'.
Remember: Bubbly is not just for Christmas - it is for life!!
Last Friday, Tony stopped at Tesco on his way home from work to buy a couple of bottles of champagne purely because he felt we should give our new glasses a test run. I felt this to be a little extravagant but as I knew he had done this in an effort to cheer me up, I felt it would be churlish to object. So, we sat at our little kitchen table eating our simple pasta carbonara accompanied by some rather nice bubbly. And as we did so, I realised that treats like that should not be just for special occasions. We should make the time to fit little treats into our lives as often as possible.
So, I have compiled a list of reasons to have bubbly. It's not exclusive and feel free to tell me of any others:
1. Because you have bought new glasses
2. Because it's Friday
3. Because you are spending time with your boyfriend for the first time all week
4. Because you need cheering up
5. Because you are happy
6. Because you are with your favourite girls for a little get together
7. Because you have run out of gin
8. Because you like the way the bubbles feel in your mouth
9. Because you have put the music on and are singing along and need to quench your thirst
10. Because you are worth it!
So, give yourself a treat. It doesn't have to be expensive champagne. Try Prossecco. Or, anything else you fancy. Treat yourself because you deserve it. Don't wait for birthdays. Light your candles because they look lovely. Wear your expensive perfume just to do the shopping. Put on lipgloss to take the bins out. Don that favourite necklace just for coffee with friends. Don't save things just for 'best'.
Remember: Bubbly is not just for Christmas - it is for life!!
Thursday 6 September 2012
Normality and New Beginnings
My son returned to school this week - a new year beginning again already. I drove him to school on his first day back yesterday and as we drove up Dorchester Road we passed quite a few 'newbies'. These are the new Year 7 pupils who were just about to start senior school. Most of them looked absolutely tiny, wearing blazers much too big for them and with shiny new shoes and hair cuts. They looked far too young and too small to be going to 'big school' and my heart sympathised for them.
James commented on how little they looked and as I looked at him in his new blazer, sat beside me, nearly as tall as me now, I suddenly had a flash back of making that same journey to the school 2 years ago. With a boy much smaller, with a blazer much too big for him and a shiny new hair cut. His legs shook with nerves all the way and I felt so helpless. He was making that huge leap from small junior school to very large senior school and he had to make it alone. Unlike junior school, parents are very definitely not allowed to get out of their car and wait with their child. Being seen with your parent at senior school is likely to get one at least enormously made fun of, or even beaten up for being such a Mummy's boy, so I would never (even if James let me) place such stigma on him. So I had to just stop the car and let him get out on his own. I desperately wanted to go in with him and give him a hug, but managed to maintain cool parent control and keep things light, determined to make it as easy for James as possible. Then, just as I was fighting back the tears, James demanded I stop the car there as he had just spotted 3 boys he knew. With that, he grabbed his bag, threw a casual 'see ya mum' behind him and ran off without so much as a backward glance. I drove the rest of the way to work in tears, the image of my baby boy in his slightly too big uniform making his way to that huge school without me.
I spent the morning at work worrying about whether he was managing to find his way around the buildings, whether he was being bullied, whether he had managed the canteen at lunch time, etc. It was with some trepidation that I went to collect him at the end of the first day, wondering how he had fared. Ha! I might have known! I was waiting in my car, scanning the sea of faces of the pupils as they left the school building. Then, I spotted him. Strolling casually out of the doors, shirt untucked from his trousers, tie undone, blazer tossed over his shoulders in a debonair fashion, sauntering across the school yard exchanging banter with lots of students both his age and older, looking like he owned the joint!! He got in the car - 'alright mum?' - and I asked him how it had been. He was so enthusiastic and said he only got lost twice and that he knew loads of his fellow students from various out of school clubs. I heaved a secret sigh of relief - he would be fine.
So now here we are 2 years later and he has had, let's face it, a rather difficult summer having lost his aunty. But he has just come back from his second day back really proud at having been put into the top set in English. He has already lost his tie. His shirt is already untucked and his trousers already appear to look scruffy. Life goes on.
I started back at work this week and it is very busy. I spent today at my desk mainly in tears - I have good and bad days. Luckily my desk means I sit with my back to the room, so I am able to hide this (I think!). I am incredibly tired as for the last week I am taking til about 3 am to get to sleep every night, so I am feeling rather run down. But life has to go on. I have to pay my mortgage and bills and make lunches for my son. I get up in the morning and put on makeup and my mask for the day. I found myself practising smiling in the mirror the other day as I was convinced that mine had turned into a grimace.
Normality has to return. But I so wanted to phone my sister to share James's success at school and to find out how my little niece and nephew are getting on at school. I want to share life's normality with my sister and it is so so unfair that she is unable to experience these things. She never got to see her little girl start 1st grade and to share that with me.
Normality and new beginnings for many and we should appreciate these moments for the major triumphs that they are. A friend of mine recently commented that she was more affected about turning the big 50 than she thought she was going to be. I told her to look on each year as a blessing she is lucky enough to have. I am trying to do the same.
James commented on how little they looked and as I looked at him in his new blazer, sat beside me, nearly as tall as me now, I suddenly had a flash back of making that same journey to the school 2 years ago. With a boy much smaller, with a blazer much too big for him and a shiny new hair cut. His legs shook with nerves all the way and I felt so helpless. He was making that huge leap from small junior school to very large senior school and he had to make it alone. Unlike junior school, parents are very definitely not allowed to get out of their car and wait with their child. Being seen with your parent at senior school is likely to get one at least enormously made fun of, or even beaten up for being such a Mummy's boy, so I would never (even if James let me) place such stigma on him. So I had to just stop the car and let him get out on his own. I desperately wanted to go in with him and give him a hug, but managed to maintain cool parent control and keep things light, determined to make it as easy for James as possible. Then, just as I was fighting back the tears, James demanded I stop the car there as he had just spotted 3 boys he knew. With that, he grabbed his bag, threw a casual 'see ya mum' behind him and ran off without so much as a backward glance. I drove the rest of the way to work in tears, the image of my baby boy in his slightly too big uniform making his way to that huge school without me.
I spent the morning at work worrying about whether he was managing to find his way around the buildings, whether he was being bullied, whether he had managed the canteen at lunch time, etc. It was with some trepidation that I went to collect him at the end of the first day, wondering how he had fared. Ha! I might have known! I was waiting in my car, scanning the sea of faces of the pupils as they left the school building. Then, I spotted him. Strolling casually out of the doors, shirt untucked from his trousers, tie undone, blazer tossed over his shoulders in a debonair fashion, sauntering across the school yard exchanging banter with lots of students both his age and older, looking like he owned the joint!! He got in the car - 'alright mum?' - and I asked him how it had been. He was so enthusiastic and said he only got lost twice and that he knew loads of his fellow students from various out of school clubs. I heaved a secret sigh of relief - he would be fine.
So now here we are 2 years later and he has had, let's face it, a rather difficult summer having lost his aunty. But he has just come back from his second day back really proud at having been put into the top set in English. He has already lost his tie. His shirt is already untucked and his trousers already appear to look scruffy. Life goes on.
I started back at work this week and it is very busy. I spent today at my desk mainly in tears - I have good and bad days. Luckily my desk means I sit with my back to the room, so I am able to hide this (I think!). I am incredibly tired as for the last week I am taking til about 3 am to get to sleep every night, so I am feeling rather run down. But life has to go on. I have to pay my mortgage and bills and make lunches for my son. I get up in the morning and put on makeup and my mask for the day. I found myself practising smiling in the mirror the other day as I was convinced that mine had turned into a grimace.
Normality has to return. But I so wanted to phone my sister to share James's success at school and to find out how my little niece and nephew are getting on at school. I want to share life's normality with my sister and it is so so unfair that she is unable to experience these things. She never got to see her little girl start 1st grade and to share that with me.
Normality and new beginnings for many and we should appreciate these moments for the major triumphs that they are. A friend of mine recently commented that she was more affected about turning the big 50 than she thought she was going to be. I told her to look on each year as a blessing she is lucky enough to have. I am trying to do the same.
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