A few weeks ago my daughter Ella and I along with some good friends, took part in the annual Weldmar Hospice midnight walk. Ella and I did so in Katy's memory. Katy lived most of her life in Weymouth and had she spent her last years here, would undoubtedly have needed to use this local hospice. The night was truly wonderful with nearly 1000 women marching along the prom wearing flashing bunny ears. I know Katy would have highly approved! This charity event raised over 100k for the hospice - an amazing achievement. The 6.5 mile walk took just over two hours to complete. I felt incredibly close to Katy during this walk and was strangely emotional when I crossed the finish line and was presented with my medal.
One year ago today I lost my best friend - my sister Katy. I cannot believe it has been a year as it still feels so raw to me. I don't feel I have touched the surface of my grief. I still cannot mention her name without painful tears falling. The pain is still excruciating so it does not feel like a year to me. However, I feel like I can't show this pain in public. Most people have forgotten about my loss and that is understandable as it is my loss and not theirs. So when my eyes suddenly fill with tears I have to pretend I have a head cold or a problem with my lenses. When I feel overwhelmed with grief I have to find a quiet solitude in which to hide my sorrow.
I have been dreaming about Katy alot recently. Random dreams of normalcy. Of every day activities like bein gin a car together or going for a walk with our children. These are wonderful dreams that feel so real and cause me to waken in a confused state not knowing which reality I exist in. For a few blissful sleepy seconds Katy is still in my life. I can understand why some people choose to live in such a half life because sometimes the reality is just too hard to bear.
I have booked the next week off work as I knew I would need to be away from the medical environment. I have made sure I have lots planned - new oven being delivered today, trip to Southampton tomorrow, friends over for dinner Saturday then up the Nothe to try to catch the apparent meteor shower, camping with friends next week and a lady's day out in Bournemouth for shopping and lunch.
Keeping busy is the only way I know how to get through this time and to help keep the sad thoughts from my head. I will smile and laugh and maintain the facade as usual. I have been used to doing that for many months now, but this week will be harder than normal.
I know that one day the pain will ease and I hope that day comes soon, as it still feels like my heart is breaking.
Katy I miss you every minute of every hour of every day. You were taken so young, but I know that I will see you again one day. Sisters forever.
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