Thursday 1 November 2012

Silly social phobia!

I can not believe that almost 3 months have passed since I lost my darling sister.  I am starting to do more again.  To socialise more and to re-start my simple pleasures such as singing and swimming.  However, I still find it difficult to socialist in a group larger than about 6 people.  I start to feel anxious and upset.  During a close friend's dinner party last Saturday, I suddenly felt as if I was totally alone.  All the other people became quiet and blurred, their conversations a dim cacophony of random words and shrill laughter.  I had to fight my urge to stand up and scream.  I felt a white hot rage.  Fortunately I managed to suppress this irrational emotion and merely quietly left the room to spend several minutes crying bitterly in the cloakroom.

Previous to Katy dying I had never suffered with any social anxieties - indeed I was generally considered to be to be the life and soul of the party. In fact Katy always used to say I was a big fat show off!! Now, however, I find myself withdraw and become introverted in larger groups.  The party season will soon be here.  My office party on the 15th December I first declined when the email circulated.  But my colleague and friend, Lisa, put my name down to attend anyway.  Despite some misgivings I have decided to brave it.  Tomorrow night I am going out with my work colleagues for dinner.  There will be 8 of us.  Even this relatively low number of people is causing me some stress.  But I have to force myself to go to these occasions or I run the risk of becoming completely social phobic.

I have no idea why I am suffering with this weird anxiety but I am going to work through it.  With the silly season stomping through the dark evenings towards us, i need to brace myself. 

I am determined to be the life and soul of the party once more.