I can not believe that almost 3 months have passed since I lost my darling sister. I am starting to do more again. To socialise more and to re-start my simple pleasures such as singing and swimming. However, I still find it difficult to socialist in a group larger than about 6 people. I start to feel anxious and upset. During a close friend's dinner party last Saturday, I suddenly felt as if I was totally alone. All the other people became quiet and blurred, their conversations a dim cacophony of random words and shrill laughter. I had to fight my urge to stand up and scream. I felt a white hot rage. Fortunately I managed to suppress this irrational emotion and merely quietly left the room to spend several minutes crying bitterly in the cloakroom.
Previous to Katy dying I had never suffered with any social anxieties - indeed I was generally considered to be to be the life and soul of the party. In fact Katy always used to say I was a big fat show off!! Now, however, I find myself withdraw and become introverted in larger groups. The party season will soon be here. My office party on the 15th December I first declined when the email circulated. But my colleague and friend, Lisa, put my name down to attend anyway. Despite some misgivings I have decided to brave it. Tomorrow night I am going out with my work colleagues for dinner. There will be 8 of us. Even this relatively low number of people is causing me some stress. But I have to force myself to go to these occasions or I run the risk of becoming completely social phobic.
I have no idea why I am suffering with this weird anxiety but I am going to work through it. With the silly season stomping through the dark evenings towards us, i need to brace myself.
I am determined to be the life and soul of the party once more.
